Not only did you lose your Dad, but almost all your relatives on his side of the family at the same time. ;-(
Oh exactly, although I sometimes wonder if there's a net loss or gain when people behave like shitheads (pardon my anglo-saxon). I've seen that in my mom's side of the family - at one point distance was exactly what the doctor ordered. But the choice was on our side that time, or rather hers.
But - yeah. I wasn't really aware of the losses at first (esp not with the trauma and chaos of two stepfathers after that), it's more like, like a line that has slowly unspooled over a very long distance and having to pick it all up.trying to rewind it but that's impossible because now it's a dirty, snarled mess. My dad's death wasn't an accident? (I find out because of a slip of the tongue) My uncle died and nobody told me? (I find out because of a slip of the tongue) My grandfather's in the nursing home and nobody told me? (I actually called my aunt up and demanded to know where he was. Go me.) My fathers brother also committed suicide and I have cousins I never knew existed? I can't even recognize my other cousins? etc etc
It could be worse, trust. I wonder if it would have been better if my dad had lived and I'm pretty sure he and mom would have divorced anyway. I'm not sure there is any "better".
he was better while they were together. She basically told him when he was out of line and in such a way that he could accept it.
Which makes her sound a bit like a dog handler - or conversely like Spike behaving because it's what Buffy would have wanted. And actually we ALL do that when we're first in relationship especially, that "honeymoon phase" that can last anywhere from days to years.We're on our best behavior because we're "in love" we're in pursuit of the beloved, there's a promise of reward at the end. Eventually though we come back to who we really are, and then are faced with some real decisions about who we are and who we want to be.
I don't know the specifics but I wonder if perhaps poor Fran didn't get tired of the job after a while. It's exhausting business.
Since I need to learn to set boundaries, now I get to see if he'll react as well when I'm pointing it out.
I definitely recommend Dr Lehrner's books, The Dance of Intimacy, Dance of Anger, Dance of Deception. I first read Anger 20 years ago and found it even more helpful when I reread 2 years ago.
What she makes clear is that anytime someone in a family makes a change, they are going to get "change back!" responses from everyone else. People may not like what's going on in their lives, but any change even for the good is uncomfortable and scary. That when you set boundaries it's not easy - ever; the ideal relationship you may want with someone else may never happen, but you keep setting your boundaries anyway, and keep restating them.
Good luck with all of that, change and growth are the scariest things in the world.
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Oh exactly, although I sometimes wonder if there's a net loss or gain when people behave like shitheads (pardon my anglo-saxon). I've seen that in my mom's side of the family - at one point distance was exactly what the doctor ordered. But the choice was on our side that time, or rather hers.
But - yeah. I wasn't really aware of the losses at first (esp not with the trauma and chaos of two stepfathers after that), it's more like, like a line that has slowly unspooled over a very long distance and having to pick it all up.trying to rewind it but that's impossible because now it's a dirty, snarled mess. My dad's death wasn't an accident? (I find out because of a slip of the tongue) My uncle died and nobody told me? (I find out because of a slip of the tongue) My grandfather's in the nursing home and nobody told me? (I actually called my aunt up and demanded to know where he was. Go me.) My fathers brother also committed suicide and I have cousins I never knew existed? I can't even recognize my other cousins? etc etc
It could be worse, trust. I wonder if it would have been better if my dad had lived and I'm pretty sure he and mom would have divorced anyway. I'm not sure there is any "better".
he was better while they were together. She basically told him when he was out of line and in such a way that he could accept it.
Which makes her sound a bit like a dog handler - or conversely like Spike behaving because it's what Buffy would have wanted. And actually we ALL do that when we're first in relationship especially, that "honeymoon phase" that can last anywhere from days to years.We're on our best behavior because we're "in love" we're in pursuit of the beloved, there's a promise of reward at the end. Eventually though we come back to who we really are, and then are faced with some real decisions about who we are and who we want to be.
I don't know the specifics but I wonder if perhaps poor Fran didn't get tired of the job after a while. It's exhausting business.
Since I need to learn to set boundaries, now I get to see if he'll react as well when I'm pointing it out.
I definitely recommend Dr Lehrner's books, The Dance of Intimacy, Dance of Anger, Dance of Deception. I first read Anger 20 years ago and found it even more helpful when I reread 2 years ago.
What she makes clear is that anytime someone in a family makes a change, they are going to get "change back!" responses from everyone else. People may not like what's going on in their lives, but any change even for the good is uncomfortable and scary. That when you set boundaries it's not easy - ever; the ideal relationship you may want with someone else may never happen, but you keep setting your boundaries anyway, and keep restating them.
Good luck with all of that, change and growth are the scariest things in the world.