I am totally getting the "change back" bit from Dad.
In the end it's his problem if he can't deal with it, but that's not helpful now, is it? It's like a long-distance marathon rather than a short sprint.
Definitely makes me now want to go back there.
been there, thought about doing that, don't want to go there again. But what we 'want' is rarely the issue.
I'm going to assume you're being entirely serious about the knives and I'm not going to tell you "don't look" because I can't. Because I've looked at knives and sticks and bottles and even a hammer in the past and wanted so badly to hurt myself, hurt SOMEONE. That anger, that frustration is raw and real and excruciating.
I am going to say "DON'T DO IT. PLEASE." And sometimes the best thing for me in a given moment has been to go ahead, imagine myself hurting myself; remember what it was like those few times I beat myself with sticks; or go all the way with the notion of picking up that piece of glass....
and I always end up with "ouch, that would HURT, and there'd be this mess to clean up, just ugh..." And believe or not? That helps, a little. It always gets me past that moment and I can sort of laugh at myself. It doesn't cure or solve or fix anything, but surviving moment to moment is sometimes all we can do.
I've mentioned this to a couple of friends and even my former therapists and they look at me like I've grown another head. So I definitely know the "we don't want to know this" reaction. that's pretty much what keeps us silent about abuse, etc as children; the shame of revealing the truth. And we're all so silent for so long that when someone breaks that and reminds everyone that the Hallmark card and laundry detergent commercial fantasies of happiness are just that, fantasies - it freaks everyone out. We're not used to sharing in a real way, esp eye-to-eye. (Hence the safety of the internet.)
BTW- another book rec is Rose Blauner's "How I stayed alive when my brain was trying to kill me." I sent my copy to a friend of a friend. I need to buy another one for myself.
My friend Susan told me about issues she'd had with her mother.
Hopefully the two of you can connect on this issue more often, because it's so common. WE ALL have parental issues and family shit. Pretending we don't to the outside world is what keeps it toxic.
no subject
In the end it's his problem if he can't deal with it, but that's not helpful now, is it? It's like a long-distance marathon rather than a short sprint.
Definitely makes me now want to go back there.
been there, thought about doing that, don't want to go there again. But what we 'want' is rarely the issue.
I'm going to assume you're being entirely serious about the knives and I'm not going to tell you "don't look" because I can't. Because I've looked at knives and sticks and bottles and even a hammer in the past and wanted so badly to hurt myself, hurt SOMEONE. That anger, that frustration is raw and real and excruciating.
I am going to say "DON'T DO IT. PLEASE." And sometimes the best thing for me in a given moment has been to go ahead, imagine myself hurting myself; remember what it was like those few times I beat myself with sticks; or go all the way with the notion of picking up that piece of glass....
and I always end up with "ouch, that would HURT, and there'd be this mess to clean up, just ugh..." And believe or not? That helps, a little. It always gets me past that moment and I can sort of laugh at myself. It doesn't cure or solve or fix anything, but surviving moment to moment is sometimes all we can do.
I've mentioned this to a couple of friends and even my former therapists and they look at me like I've grown another head. So I definitely know the "we don't want to know this" reaction. that's pretty much what keeps us silent about abuse, etc as children; the shame of revealing the truth. And we're all so silent for so long that when someone breaks that and reminds everyone that the Hallmark card and laundry detergent commercial fantasies of happiness are just that, fantasies - it freaks everyone out. We're not used to sharing in a real way, esp eye-to-eye. (Hence the safety of the internet.)
BTW- another book rec is Rose Blauner's "How I stayed alive when my brain was trying to kill me." I sent my copy to a friend of a friend. I need to buy another one for myself.
My friend Susan told me about issues she'd had with her mother.
Hopefully the two of you can connect on this issue more often, because it's so common. WE ALL have parental issues and family shit. Pretending we don't to the outside world is what keeps it toxic.
It's called "nuclear family" for a reason.