I didn’t realize I had shit to be called out on and yet you called me out on it anyway. Oh, I adore you!
Now that I’ve had time to muse on some reactions to this post, I realize it’s about me expressing my superiority over my sister by responding to a rant my aunt made agains me last December. Yes, my headspace is that convoluted.
Monday was massive insight day. I don’t believe I’ve ever had so many insights in a row. They mostly related to family dysfunctions, specifically relating to boundaries. I didn’t learn to set boundaries until about four years ago. My therapist explained them to me. About two years back, I set boundaries with my Dad and we are getting along much better now. One of the insights from yesterday was that not only has he changed his behavior but I’ve also changed. Behaviors of his that would have driven me nuts a few years back barely even register now. I hadn’t realized until yesterday that healing our relationship would require both of us to change.
Back to my sister and my aunt. I have Tiggerish energy. I get excited about things, sort of bounce in disruptively to share them, making a mess as I go. On top of that, things I get quite excited about - Paganism, fire circles - are subjects that, well, can freak my sister and my aunt out. Before therapy, talking with Dad was like walking on eggshells. I was just waiting for him to piss me off because he always did. Another of Monday’s insights was that my sister felt that way about me. Based on ways that she’s reserved around me, I think she’s always expecting I’ll do/say something out of the blue that’ll upset her. (Note: my sister and aunt are like two peas in a pod personality-wise; most anything I say about one, in this context, applies to the other.)
Okay, so that pattern I referred to above, not setting boundaries and then blowing up at a person because you expect them to magically know your boundaries? That’s what happened with the rant my aunt made against me at Christmas. She was upset with some posts I made to Facebook but to this day I don’t know, for the most part, which posts she was referring to. She was never clear about the boundaries. The “I don’t want to be mean, but …” line also comes from that rant.
Hence the feeling of superiority. I was saying that I’m above engaging in that dysfunctional behavior now but they aren’t. And that would sound a lot better if I hadn’t been feeling smugly superior as I said it!
So, you are exactly right. She doesn’t know a better way to say it, just like I didn’t know a better way to say it before 2 1/2 years of therapy. I can see why I got so upset at the time. She knows exactly how to hurt me, but this far after the event I should have seen that I’d been in that same place not all that long ago.
And I still don’t know how to heal my relationships with my sister and my aunt so where do I get off thinking I”m better than they are?
no subject
Now that I’ve had time to muse on some reactions to this post, I realize it’s about me expressing my superiority over my sister by responding to a rant my aunt made agains me last December. Yes, my headspace is that convoluted.
Monday was massive insight day. I don’t believe I’ve ever had so many insights in a row. They mostly related to family dysfunctions, specifically relating to boundaries. I didn’t learn to set boundaries until about four years ago. My therapist explained them to me. About two years back, I set boundaries with my Dad and we are getting along much better now. One of the insights from yesterday was that not only has he changed his behavior but I’ve also changed. Behaviors of his that would have driven me nuts a few years back barely even register now. I hadn’t realized until yesterday that healing our relationship would require both of us to change.
Back to my sister and my aunt. I have Tiggerish energy. I get excited about things, sort of bounce in disruptively to share them, making a mess as I go. On top of that, things I get quite excited about - Paganism, fire circles - are subjects that, well, can freak my sister and my aunt out. Before therapy, talking with Dad was like walking on eggshells. I was just waiting for him to piss me off because he always did. Another of Monday’s insights was that my sister felt that way about me. Based on ways that she’s reserved around me, I think she’s always expecting I’ll do/say something out of the blue that’ll upset her. (Note: my sister and aunt are like two peas in a pod personality-wise; most anything I say about one, in this context, applies to the other.)
Okay, so that pattern I referred to above, not setting boundaries and then blowing up at a person because you expect them to magically know your boundaries? That’s what happened with the rant my aunt made against me at Christmas. She was upset with some posts I made to Facebook but to this day I don’t know, for the most part, which posts she was referring to. She was never clear about the boundaries. The “I don’t want to be mean, but …” line also comes from that rant.
Hence the feeling of superiority. I was saying that I’m above engaging in that dysfunctional behavior now but they aren’t. And that would sound a lot better if I hadn’t been feeling smugly superior as I said it!
So, you are exactly right. She doesn’t know a better way to say it, just like I didn’t know a better way to say it before 2 1/2 years of therapy. I can see why I got so upset at the time. She knows exactly how to hurt me, but this far after the event I should have seen that I’d been in that same place not all that long ago.
And I still don’t know how to heal my relationships with my sister and my aunt so where do I get off thinking I”m better than they are?