but ...

[dragonyphoenix]

“I don't want to be mean, but …”

Stop right there. You’re about to be mean. If you want to say whatever’s coming after the word “but” then lose “I don’t want to be mean.” You’re being mean. Own it.

If you really don’t want to be mean, then “I don’t want to be mean so I’ll stop now.”

Comments

[dragonyphoenix]

No, I think you were right on. As I've posted in other comments, there was a lot going on behind this post.

Your distinction between mean and hurtful is excellent. It's like the difference between criticism and constructive criticism. One's trying to knock a person down; the other to explain something they might not be seeing.

[alatefeline]

Wow! I am NOT a good person to get advice from, because I have trouble reading other people and/or knowing what will actually be helpful, but sometimes people seem to take an insight I had about myself and run with it, and I think you did that. Congratulations on all your insights on Monday!

On boundaries: With family, personally, I am good at SEEING self vs. others, but not so good at FUNCTIONING by myself, which means I will sometimes make a clear, respectful, self-aware request ... for something I shouldn't be bloody asking for. Different mess than not realize that other people's crap is Not My Crap, which is dismayingly common, but still a mess.