anger issues

[dragonyphoenix]

I've been furious at work. Multiple reasons: don't enforce mask wearing, have me running a machine and standing all day, pressure to work faster, impossible goals. I've been thinking my anger is situational but today I recalled other explosions of anger. I was enraged by a job over 10 years ago as well and again, I seemed to have good cause. Decades ago I kicked and smashed a glass door when I couldn't open it. As a teen I slammed the front door and shattered the glass. Lately, with the current job, I slammed a kitchen drawer shut and the front broke off.

This is a pattern. I'm freaking out because this is a pattern.

My Dad and his father both have anger issues. This is a family pattern.

I practiced tonglen earlier this evening, breathing in my upset over this realization and breathing out hope that I can change. It helped but only somewhat. I'm still feeling really weird about this. On the one hand, good to know because I can meditate and practice yoga in the hope that it will help but on the other hand, I really don't like knowing this about myself.

Comments

[silveradept]

I hope that you have the opportunity to change the things that are causing upset to you, in addition to having the practice that allows you to dissipate the anger into other things.

[dragonyphoenix]

Thank you. I'm working on getting out of there hopefully sooner rather than later. If I can get my finances together to cover rent and bills, I'll quit for my coding bootcamp. Otherwise I'll be working 6 months and taking the coding bootcamp. Either way, I've got plans in place.

[silveradept]

Plans are good. And I hope yours work flawlessly.

[dragonyphoenix]

Thank you.