Cof Remix Part 1
Dec. 5th, 2015 09:42 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dragonyphoenixNote: HOW THIS STORY CAME TO BE POSTED IN THE FIRST PLACE. The story I chose to remix – sroni's Truth As Old As Rhyme – is itself a remix of another story. Obviously I have sroni’s permission to remix her story because we are both taking part in the Circle of Friends remix. I did not realize until I’d finished my third draft that the author of the original story would have a problem with my remixing her story. You can read my thoughts here and here. I had agreed to not post this story, but then a few friends suggested I could post a remix of sroni’s story without remixing the original. That’s what I then chose to do. I discuss how I modified my story here and aadler discusses it this whole issue here.
Note: Many thanks to sroni for parsing through her story to tell me which parts originated with her and which came from the original story.
Note: The title is a reference to King Crimson's The Letters .
Note: This story is told in letters. The format comes from Helene Hanff's 84, Charing Cross Road, which is a charming story. I highly recommend it.
Note: The Harry Potter timeline has been shifted so that the last two books occur during seasons 5 and 6 of Buffy.
Note: The e-mail address of Angel's business comes from Beer Good Foamy's Fair Trade Rules.
Note: The addresses, in that they don't include countries, follow the format of 84, Charing Cross Road. The addresses that we see are inside the letter. The addresses on the envelopes would include countries.
Note: In case this throws anyone off, the address for Hogwarts is a mail drop-off in London specifically used for Muggle mail. This point was addressed in an earlier version of the story, but has been removed as part of the remixing only sroni's story process. Since Muggles, such as Hermione's parents, don't send messages by owl, they can use mail to send letters and packages to a London address and the mail is forwarded by magical means from there.
Note: The idea that Anya would invite Cordelia to the wedding came from Punch Kicker’s The Borders of Night Start to Give.
Note: This conversation helped me decide that Nagini is a cobra.
Note: Many thanks to those who helped me work out Snape’s middle names: feliciacraft, rebcake, kerkevik, mikeda, and snogged.
Note: During the writing I wondered how Snape had found Harry to give him the sword of Gryffindor. kikimay and felciacraft chimed in on this. My solution is not canon but I needed a reason for Snape to be ordering from The Magic Box.
Note: Yes, I now recall why I don't post to LJ! Took out all my tabs. The tabs at beginning of paragraphs I just ignored. The ones for letter closings, I right aligned that text. If you want to see the proper format, read the story on AO3.
The Magic Box
742 Maple Court
Sunnydale, CA 93063
28 October 2000
Professor Severus Snape
Defense Against the Dark Arts
Hogwarts School
84, Charing Cross Road
London, W.C. 2
Dear Professor Snape,
Giles said to tell you – again – that there is nothing wrong with our herbs. By again he means that he's told you before and not that I've told you before because I've just been hired to this position and, as a full-time employee, have been trusted to manage your account. I'm sure if I do a good job he'll trust me with other long-distant accounts. So, when Giles said again, he meant we at this store, in our capacity as a corporate entity, are telling you again.
We, the store that is, have most certainly not been holding onto those herbs since the dawn of the Bronze Age. That doesn't even make sense because the Bronze Age would have started at completely different times based on varying geographical location. It's not as if everyone in the world woke up one morning and decided it was time to get civilized. Sunnydale itself was founded in 1899, centuries after the Bronze Age ended.
We know when most of the herbs were purchased, and it certainly wasn't as far back as the Bronze Age. We keep excellent records as did the previous owners. Well, the third owner back was pretty awful at record keeping, but the Vandal Root we sent you was brought into the store by the last owner and so we know exactly how long it's been here.
Anyway, Mr. Defense Against the Dark Arts instructor, if you knew anything about potions, you'd know that plants belonging to the Caprifoliaceae family are twisted by energies emanating from a Hellmouth. The herbs we sent you have been sitting on the shelf for six months. Given that this is a particularly strong Hellmouth, it's no wonder the herbs have gone wonky. I do hope that the students' fingers grow back, but it is certainly not our fault that you ordered from us before researching our establishment.
I am sending you a fresh batch of Vandal Root directly for one of our suppliers, one nowhere near a Hellmouth. I would charge you for this resupply but Giles, who owns the store, said that he hadn't been aware that a Hellmouth could change an herb's potencies and therefore it is our fault, well his fault, not mine. Your credit with the store remains at $1763.42. In future, when you pay with gold coins, you should not send them directly through the mail, but you should send them to me. I'm sure I could have gotten a better deal than Giles.
You have a large credit with the store. You should buy merchandise other than herbs. How do you feel about slug-scented candles?
I hope you are happy with this resolution so you will continue shopping at our store to make up for the money we spent replacing your stock.
Sincerely,
Anya Jenkins
Chief Employee in Charge of Sales Reparations
P.S. The word reparations should in no way suggest that we are at fault.
* * *
Hogwarts School
84, Charing Cross Road
London, W.C. 2
1 November 2000
Miss Anya Jenkins
The Magic Box
742 Maple Court
Sunnydale, CA 93063
Madame,
I am reasonably confident that it is appropriate to address you as Miss rather than Mrs. Certainly no one with the personality that came through in your missive could have found anyone willing to share conjugal bliss.
That being out of the way, do not refer to me as “Dear”. I may deign to purchase supplies from your disreputable establishment. That does not make us friends. In future, use my name and title – “Professor Snape” if that is unclear to you – as a salutation.
As for your allegation that I am unaware of the influence of Hellmouth energies upon the ingredients used in potions, I would refer you to my article “Discrepancies in the Aggregate Effects of the Energies of a Magnitude 1.2 Hellmouth on Plants in the Lamiancaea Family” in the Journal of Alchemical Elixers, Vol. 1479, Issue 7.
The school has received the replacement supply of Vandal Root. I have tested it and found it acceptable. Therefore, we will continue to use your shop as a supplier, but only if you can guarantee that you will not again make the mistake of sending us ingredients that have been transmuted by Hellmouth energies. We may, however, choose to specifically request such transmuted herbs.
Presumably you can provide the Sunnydale Hellmouth's exact power magnitude.
Professor Snape
* * *
The Magic Box
742 Maple Court
Sunnydale, CA 93063
15 November 2000
Professor Severus Snape
Defense Against the Dark Arts
Hogwarts School
84, Charing Cross Road
London, W.C. 2
Hey! I could too be married. I'll have you know that I'm in a long-term relationship and that Xander is a wonderful man. When he finally moved out of his parent's basement, he rented a lovely apartment just because he knew I liked it even if it wasn't fiscally responsible because he hadn't been making enough money for it at the time. But then he got a raise and it all worked out.
And “Dear” is too an appropriate salutation for a business letter. I looked it up. Besides, if I can't call you “Dear”, you can't call me “Madam”. Don't you know that sexual connotations are not appropriate in a business setting? Except for advertising. Business advertising can be full of sex. Business correspondece, however, should be sex-free, as should the store itself – except possibly for in-store advertising. I haven't gotten a straight answer on that one yet. Moans, even If you are your boyfriend are completely out of sight, can still be heard by customers and therefore are completely unacceptable even though orgasms do relieve tension, which can build up in a commercial setting. You no idea how difficult customers can be.
How many times do I have to tell you that the issue with the Vandal Root was not our fault? Not my fault anyway. It may have been Giles' fault since he had no idea the Hellmouth could modify the potencies and properties of herbs. What does he think that Little Shop of Horrors move was about if not a Venus Flytrap left on a Hellmouth for too long? Anyway, I'm willing to admit it might have been Giles' fault given that you do seem to know something about potions.
The magnitude of the Hellmouth? I'm not sure what to say. It's certainly more powerful than that one on Prague that's supposed to be all dark and powerful. Believe me, Prague's Hellmouth is like dipping your toe into a warm bath compared to the tsunami that is Sunnydale's.
Since I was willing to concede that Giles might have been at fault with the last order I was hoping you could suggest how much I could charge for Hellmouth-energized herbs. Granted, that twisting of the Vandal Root's properties was unexpected but only because you hadn't researched the shop well-enough to know we're on a Hellmough. Presumably herbs transmuted by Hellmouth energies can be useful in certain applications. Plus, based on your article, Hellmouth energies can enhance the potencies of certain herbs. That has to be worth a lot. Hellmouths are rare, especially ones as powerful as ours. Please get back to me quickly so I can raise our prices.
Sincerely
Anya Jenkins
Customer Relations
* * *
23 November 2000
Expose this crystal to the Sunnydale Hellmouths' energies for no less than twenty-two and no more than twenty-four hours. Return it to me by the same owl that brought it. The information I derive will allow me to calculate the magnitude of the Sunnydale Hellmouth.
Professor Snape
* * *
25 November 2000
Professor Snape,
You could have warned me before sending an owl to my shop! That swooping fiend scared off three of our customers. We've lost business due to your shenanigans, and I think you should make reparations. I've attached a list of herbs we currently sell. I will accept a description of how much we can charge for herbs transmuted by Hellmouth energies.
Anya Jenkins
Customer Relations
* * *
Hogwarts School
84, Charing Cross Road
London, W.C. 2
3 January 2001
Miss Anya Jenkins
The Magic Box
742 Maple Court
Sunnydale, CA 93063
Miss Jenkins,
The attached document should describe to your satisfaction how you might update the prices of your herbs to reflect their exposure to the energies of the Sunnydale Hellmouth.
Professor Snape
* * *
The Magic Box
742 Maple Court
Sunnydale, CA 93063
17 January 2001
Professor Severus Snape
Defense Against the Dark Arts
Hogwarts School
84, Charing Cross Road
London, W.C. 2
Professor Snape,
Thank you for the information but it took much longer than I'd expected. I see that you are not using GlobalExpress. It is much quicker for international mail. You should switch carriers.
I do appreciate the businesslike directness of your letter even if you didn't use a professional mail carrier like GlobalExpress. You have no idea how many people just ramble on, wasting my time as if I don't have a business to run.
I'm keeping my letter short so I can put your suggestions to good use and update our prices, even on those herbs bought when Elsa Lanchester owned the shop. As I may have mentioned, she kept terrible records, often none at all, and I have had to guess how long her herbs have been exposed to Hellmouth energies. Not to worry, though, I will make sure you never receive any of those dubious herbs. I'm planning on selling them to local witches. Most of them don't know what they are doing anyway. Half their potions turn to soup.
Sincerely,
Anya Jenkins
Customer Relations
* * *
Hogwarts School
84, Charing Cross Road
London, W.C. 2
15 February 2001
Miss Anya Jenkins
The Magic Box
742 Maple Court
Sunnydale, CA 93063
Miss Jenkins,
You incompetent idiot of a Muggle. The Nux Myristica had been contaminated by close contact with a demon, most likely a sub-species of troll. A good half-dozen of Professor Slughorn's advanced students had to be transmuted back to human form. I personally think a few of them, specifically that Granger creature, were improved by the transformation into badgers but unfortunately Headmaster Dumbledore disagreed. Your shoddy workmanship has cost the school both time and money. I have attached a bill. See that my account is credited immediately.
You should consider yourself lucky that I continue to patronize your shop.
Professor Snape
* * *
The Magic Box
742 Maple Court
Sunnydale, CA 93063
5 March 2001
Professor Severus Snape
Defense Against the Dark Arts
Hogwarts School
84, Charing Cross Road
London, W.C. 2
Dear Professor Snape,
Bite me. I don't care about your lousy order. No, that's not true. I do care but everything seems so pointless. Joyce is dead. Xander's been crying and punching walls, and I just don't know what to do. Now that the funeral is over it seems we're all supposed to just go back to our lives as if the world hasn't been turned upside down.
As you've requested, I've applied the amount on the bill that you submitted to your store credit. I've also added the cost of the Nux Myristica and shipping. We value your patronage and hope you don't die of an unexpected brain tumor.
Anya Jenkins
* * *
9 March 2001
Miss Jenkins,
I do apologize for the owl. I believe this article on “The Detection of the Detrimental Effects of Daemon Troglodytarum on Herbal Properties” might be of some use to you and wanted you to receive it as quickly as possible.
Professor Snape
* * *
9 March 2001
Miss Jenkins,
I do apologize for the second owl. I decided it would be more efficient if I worked the spell for you. The enclosed charm will indicate whether herbs have been mutated by close proximity to a troll. If I can be of further assistance, do let me know.
I have been informed by a reliable source that the cost of the supplies I used in this charm amount to $67.12. Please adjust my store credit accordingly.
Professor Snape
* * *
The Magic Box
742 Maple Court
Sunnydale, CA 93063
10 March 2001
Professor Severus Snape
Defense Against the Dark Arts
Hogwarts School
84, Charing Cross Road
London, W.C. 2
Professor Snape,
I have been informed by Miss Jenkins that this letter will reach you if given to one of these owls. A copy of this letter will also be mailed to you.
Please accept my apologies for the inappropriate letter sent from this shop on the fifth of March. I can make no excuse other than to say that Miss Jenkins was distraught, we all were, at the death of a friend of the shop.
I will personally handle your business correspondences in future.
Rupert Giles
Proprietor
* * *
11 March 2001
Mr. Rupert Giles,
My correspondence will be handled by Miss Jenkins.
Professor Snape
Defense Against the Dark Arts
Hogwarts School
* * *
11 March 2001
Miss Anya Jenkins,
Once again I find myself apologizing for owling our correspondence, but I wanted to immediately address the shopkeeper's misapprehension that I am unsatisfied with your assistance.
I require 3 oz of Belladonna that has been exposed to the Sunnydale Hellmouth's energies for no fewer than 153 and no more than 155 days. In addition, I require 4 oz of Mugwort that has been exposed to the Sunnydale Hellmouth's energies for no fewer than 209 and no more than 211 days. Finally, I require 1 oz of Tongkat Ali that has never been exposed to the energies of a Hellmouth. You may send your response back with this owl.
These herbs are required for an exacting spell. I trust you and only you to process my order correctly.
Professor Snape
* * *
13 March 2001
The Tongkat Ali is being shipped out tomorrow from Magickal Herbs, which is located in Los Angeles. The package should arrive within two to three business days after it has been sent, so the 16th or 17th of March.
You will be pleased to know I've asked Willow to look into a spell to keep demons out of the shop. If there's a keep-away spell for vampires, there most certainly should be one for other kinds of demons, even if Giles hasn't heard of it. And don't you worry about being charged for this keep-away spell. Willow has used plenty of the shop's supplies without paying and Olaf, the troll who trashed our shop, was brought in by a spell of hers anyway. She owes us a bit of protection.
Sincerely,
Anya Jenkins
Customer Relations
* * *
The Magic Box
742 Maple Court
Sunnydale, CA 93063
9 May 2001
Professor Severus Snape
Defense Against the Dark Arts
Hogwarts School
84, Charing Cross Road
London, W.C. 2
Professor Snape,
In reference to your order from the 26th of April, I cannot send you the Horklump Juice, Wormwood, and Chizpurfle Carapace that you requested immediately. These herbs, among others, had been restocked by one of the previous owners, Elsa Lanchester. I may have mentioned her before? Not only do I have the vaguest idea of when she bought the supplies, but she mixed them in with previously stocked items. I cannot begin to guess how long the herbs have been sitting there. Maybe I can get rid of them in a Mother's Day clearance. Heal your mother's gout with Horklump Juice, something like that anyway. People still do have gout, don't they? Anyway, I will have to completely restock and leave them sitting in the basement, soaking up Hellmouth energies, until they've reached the potency you've specified. Please accept our apologies.
I do have a question. One of my customers wants to use Agrimony in a spell for clear vision. I've been perusing that journal you mentioned which has led me to books on magical herbs, and from what I've read Agrimony would more likely send her dreams, false visions, and hallucinations. I've sold her the Agrimony of course but I feel, as someone working in a magic shop, that I should inform her how this spell could go wrong. Of course I then realized that other customers must be equally clueless, and that if I gave lessons on the magical properties of herbs, I could not only charge for those lessons but also bring in more customers and thus sell more herbs. I'm still working on convincing Giles. He became quite agitated on the subject, saying I might end up teaching unethical wizards how to, in his words, wreak havoc more effectively. To be so upset by the idea, I think he must know some unethical wizards himself which, given what I've heard about his background, is not at all surprising.
Anya Jenkins
Future Instructor on How to Use Magical Herbs in a Safe Yet Effective Manner
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Date: 2015-12-05 07:09 pm (UTC)Gabrielle
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Date: 2015-12-05 07:45 pm (UTC)You really don't need to know much Harry Potter to follow this. Snape is super reserved to begin with and then holding back even more because he's in the middle of a war so there's less of his side to see.
I'm so glad you're enjoying it.
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Date: 2015-12-06 02:12 am (UTC)In other words, I didn’t have to do any of the work, but I get the pleasure of reading the result.
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Date: 2015-12-06 02:56 am (UTC)And yes, there were letters in the original series, but they were more focused on Anya and Snape discussing potions. In the series, their relationship started as intellectual respect. My story has a stronger emotional component right off the bat.
Thanks, I'm glad you're enjoying it.