Fic: The Man
Sep. 30th, 2014 09:09 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dragonyphoenix
cof_remix.Title: The Man (the Somebody's Watching Me Remix)
Author: Dragon's Phoenix
Fandom: BtVS
Rating: PG (language)
Disclaimer: They aren't mine, not yet, but they will be ... once I've taken over the world. Bwah-ha-ha.
Original story: “Critical Review” by aadler
Note: The first section of this story is copied directly from Critical Review, the story I'm revising, but I did add this sub-title: The True Chronicles of Alexander Lavelle Harris.
Note: Strongly influenced by Booster's story, Ten Things That Never Happened in the BtVS Fandom
Note: Thanks to speakr2customrs, Gill O, il-mio-capitano, and pickamix for giving me food for thought on Scara's accent. It is totally not their fault that I decided to give Scara her own tongue on top of a bad London accent.
Note: This is my first remix. I can't wait to read all the stories.
Note: Some of the font changes are mine; some of them are LJ being a bastard.
In brief, Twice Removed presents itself as the biography of Pryce’s great-grandfather, one Alexander Harris, with an exacting detail equally the match of that found in Blood Raven, but devoted to supporting the claim that this undistinguished man in fact played a pivotal role in any number of significant historical events. …
Despite its shortcomings, there is no doubt that this book will be widely received, and — even more to be regretted — that a cult following will immediately begin searching archives and seeking witnesses to further chronicle the newly created legend of Alexander Harris.
(from a review of F.W. Pryce’s Twice Removed: The True Chronicles of Alexander Lavelle Harris)
Jay, my boy. A silk purse out of a sow's ear. I don't know how you do it. Just between you and me, Twice Removed? Two words: snooze and fest. Your script though, that I can work with.
I've come up with a list of preliminary changes. First, the title. Xan the Man? Really? Anyone but you and I'd have dropped the script then and there. Not even a friggin' clue what the movie's about. Change it. Give it something of a Bondish flavor although maybe not given the massive flop that was the last Bond flick.
Moving on. What kind of a name is Xander? I get that the Pryce fans will kill us if we completely lose the name, but I think we can to better than Xander. I wanted to call him Alec but Sophie started in on the smark aleck jokes. I'm pretty sure she liked the book. So, something short and simple. How about this? Alex Harris.
I've got some issues with your overall structure but let's start with points we aren't going to argue over. Captain of the swim team? Who gives a flying fuck about swimming? Make it football and we're go. Oh, and while we're onto water, that chase scene with the boats is nice but make it a hovercraft. Only give 'em a cool name. Not floaters. What the hell was Georgie thinking, calling them floaters? No wonder his last flick failed. Floaters sounds like a corpse drifting out to sea. …
(v-mail from producer Sam “the Man” Melman to writer Jay Black)
The white marquee spelling out movie titles in black letters gives the Beverly Playhouse Theater that retro look it is so famous for. Panning down from one title, The Man, the vid frame settles on a woman whose zebra-striped Mohawk, purple bow-tie, and pink paisley suit are so iconic that the tag identifying her as Scara the Mouch is almost unnecessary. “Eve, my cheeky peeps,” she says in her trademark London accent. Anyone interested enough could click through her tag's links to learn that Molly Anne Simpson and was born and raised in Princeton Junction, New Jersey. Molly's mundane, at least to American eyes, New Jersey origin hasn't lessened the appeal of her British persona. “The first vid view of The Man has just given up its ghost. Shall we promo a talksie and see what the peepers cog?”
As if drawn to the rat-tails of hair hanging down from otherwise shaved heads, Scara's vid frame closes in on a crowd of young men. Tags, displaying hyper-text links, float above each head. The tag identifying Donnie Yates, Sophomore at UCLA, Dept. of Mechanical and Aerospace Engineering, GPA 2.32 doubles in size to include information about his family and birthplace as Scara picks him out of the crowd.
“Scara,” his buddies chant. “Kick his ass, Scara.”
“Eve, mate. The Man,” Scara says with a leer in her voice. “How was he?”
“He … it, uh.” Donnie raises his voice and shouts, “The movie kicked ass!”
Scara quickly moves on. The vid frame shifts and stops on a man wearing an anachronistic jacket, dark leather that falls almost to the ground. His hair, bleached white, is almost as pale as his skin. The tag to his right lists a name, William Blood, but unexpectedly displays no other data and no links.
“'Ello, guvnor,” Scara says, “Did Alex Harris zap your p-zone?”
Blood glares at the camera. “One, pick a bloody accent. Two, Spike is nobody's sidekick.” He grabs the microphone and crushes it with one hand.
~ + ~
Emily G.: FU-Wha? Liza Doolittle on acid?
Alfie M.: Local.
Phoebe M.: Let me guess. Speaking in tongues? *crosses fingers*
Alfie M.: She calls it LA street slang. It's supposed to give her cred, but most everyone I know razes her for it.
Phoebe M.: Everyone you know is a linguist, bro.
Emily G.: If Evie picks up this nonsense, 5000 miles will not save you.
Eve G.: Mother. Please, I've told you, it's Eve, and I've already heard her. In school. Hi, uncle Alfie.
Emily G.: So we're studying gibberish now?
Eve G.: Mediaspeak.
Alfie M.: Hey kiddo, found a copy of Batman: The Shadow Crusader. Bringing it back with me at Christmas.
Eve G.: Original copy?
Alfie M.: Pristine.
Eve G.: Kickin'
Phoebe M.: Hey, this is creepy. That Blood guy has no links on his tag.
Emily G.: Are you watching that thing again?
…
(Verizon's Friends 'n Fam Chat Room, Chat Title: LA is Hell, includes vid titled: Scara's Opening Night Interviews for The Man)
Buffy: Jump?!?
Alex: Jump.
The camera pans, following Buffy's PoV as she looks down over the edge of the hovercraft. They are 400 feet above the ground.
Buffy: And how are we supposed to not die?
Alex: Jetpacks.
Buffy takes a jetpack from Alex and looks at it dubiously as he puts his on.
Alex: If you love me …
Alex jumps over the side of the hovercraft.
Buffy puts on the jetpack and follows.
Buffy: Someday, Alexander Mann Harris, someday somebody's gonna kick your ass.
(Faro's Movie Transcripts website, Scene: Hovercraft Disembark)
The image – two sets of stairs rising up behind a stone fountain – isn't stable. The vid frame shakes as if the recorder was held by an unsteady hand or by someone on unsteady ground. The tag identifies the stone stairs and the building behind them – Late Gothic Revival architecture – as the Cathedral of Learning – forty-two stories high – belonging to the University of Pittsburgh.
The vid frame shifts to the front of a vehicle. Based on their shaved heads, leaving only a tail of hair hanging down past their shoulders, these boys are in college. They are each wearing eye-patches although clicking through their tags would reveal they have normal eyesight. As a thumb wanders over the image, the driver's tag suddenly blows up, taking over the entire screen.
Name: Brian Noah Davis
Family Tree:
Father: Noah Edward Davis
Mother: Rachel Anne Davis (née Black)
Sibling(s): N/A
Birth: University of Rochester Medical Center 11/04/2104 19:22
Education:
Carnegie-Mellon, GPA: 2.87, School of …
“Shit, hold up, dudes. I hit the tag. Let me get rid of this.” Two fingers shrink the data down to a crumpled piece of paper and toss it off-screen. “Okay, we're good.” A tag identifies the voice as belonging to John Piercy Teasdale.
Brian Davis takes the wheel. “Tower of Ignorance,” he shouts. “You're going down.”
From the side seat, Gregg Jones adds, “Kick his ass. Kick his ass.”
As the vehicle moves closer to the fountain, the vid frame angles upward, not as if the cameraman were tilting it up but as if the vehicle were rising from the ground front-first. The tilting continues until the frame is topped by blue sky with the walls of the cathedral flowing below the vehicle like a road.
“Hovercraft! Hovercraft! Kick his ass!”
After rising for about ninety seconds, the hovercraft levels off at the top of the cathedral and continues to move forward.
“Whoo!”
The hovercraft floats to the far edge of the building and then down, down, down. Hurtling down, dropping like a rock. “Kick his ass. Kick his … ahhhhhhh!”
As it approaches the ground, the hovercraft levels off. “Shit, we made it.”
“Shit, man, that kicked his ass.”
“Let's go again.”
There is a sound of sirens. The camera pans out toward flashing blue lights. “Uh, guys?”
“Pussy,” the driver shouts. “We're in a fucking hovercraft. They can't catch us. We can kick their ass.”
(youtube video: Larry, Curly, and Moe steal a hovercraft prototype from Carnegie-Mellon's Fitzgerald Institute)
Scene: Dressing the Bride
The tasteful touches in the room imply an elegance that only money and a cultivated attention to detail can provide. The budding leaves pattern on the wallpaper hints at new life but the grayish tinge of the green suggests that this new life will not live up to expectations. Cordelia's wedding gown is, of course, exquisite. The fabric that hugs her body, only spreading out below the knees, celebrates the figure that won Sandra Cassidy the coveted Miss Universe title.
The dais elevates Cordelia above the bridesmaids who are adorning her, bringing her gloves and jewelry, but it also isolates her. Cordelia's attendants don't even notice, much less understand, her pain. I know many viewers prefer the scene where Alex carries Cordelia through the flames and I can't deny its drama, but Cordelia's wedding is where Sandra Cassidy's talent truly shines in convincing her bridesmaids that she's thrilled to be a bride while allowing the viewer to see the regret underneath. When the phone rings, Cordelia's face lights up with a hope that is dashed when she hears it is her mother running late as usual but for once calling ahead to let her daughter know. The maid-of-honor's supposedly comforting line – Your mother will make the wedding – only enhances this lack of awareness.
When Buffy, who hasn't been invited into the dressing room, barges in and kicks out the bridesmaids, the relief on Cordelia's face is utterly revealing. For all of their past antagonisms, possibly because of their past antagonisms, only Buffy understands what Cordelia is going through. I almost jumped up and down in my seat when Buffy pulled out that flask, the one she and had Cordelia bonded over after the prom while Alex was being bandaged up from the vampire attack. I did cry – I'm not ashamed to admit it – when Cordelia refused the drink with, “I'm a bride. I'm supposed to be happy.”
Buffy, knowing what Cordelia needs, insists. “You will be. Happy that is.” And Cordelia does drink, closing the circle opened when she insisted that Buffy drink, from that same flask, after the attack on the prom.
Scene: The Wedding
The opening shot, straight up the aisle, gives us another look at the famous wedding dress before the processional music begins. Cordelia, so graceful she seems to be floating, glides down the aisle but almost stumbles when she sees Alex in the pews with the bride's guests. Gracing Alex with a wistful smile, Cordelia continues down the aisle to join Ben Affleck – a legendary actor/director even then – before the priest.
The priest's words echo in the open expanse of the church. If anyone knows why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony, let him speak now or forever hold his peace. Cordelia, facing Ben, glances up the aisle to see Alex leaving. He touches his earbud to let her know it's another mission – he wouldn't have left for anything less – and Cordelia turns back to her groom. Ben's eyes are on her. He's waiting, leaving this decision open to her even now. Cordelia looks down and whispers so only she can hear, “Go on then, save the world.” When she looks up, she nods at Ben and they both smile.
Scene: Dressing Room
Back in the dressing room, Cordelia is alone, still in her wedding gown. Much as I adore the scene, you would think, having just been wed, that she'd be with her husband but whatever. Ignore all that common sense and the scene is just so touching. Cordelia, staring at a photo of Alex. She kisses the photo, leaving lipstick marks on the glass, before closing the frame and putting the photo away. Fade to black. It's just a beautiful image.
~ + ~
Queen C: I want that gown.
JessieIsTruLove: OMG, that gown is so awesome. You know she couldn’t have an ounce of fat on her to pull that dress off.
JessieIsTruLove: I hear it's being auctioned off for some kind of charity? I wonder if I could get in.
UnderTheC: You could never afford it. Besides why go for the gown when you could have the guy?
JessieIsTruLove: Doesn't matter if I can't afford it. I just want to see it. Maybe touch it?
XanMans4Evah: Which guy, Under? Alex or Antonio?
UnderTheC: If I can't have Alex, I could settle for Antonio.
JessieIsTruLove: No, no, no, has to be Alex. When Cordelia almost stumbled, I was praying she'd fall into Alex's arms. *swoon*
XanMans4Evah: I know. I so wanted that to happen.
…
(Here Come the Brides website: “Wedding of the Century” summary and commentary)