Fic: Not Quite Right

[dragonyphoenix]

Title: Not Quite Right
Fandom: BtVS
Concrit: Please, in comments
Disclaimer: They aren't mine, not yet, but the will be once I've taken over the world. Bwah-ha-ha.
Summary: If Dawn pretends real hard, she's almost good enough.
Notes: Written for a prompt at Open On Sunday: technical difficulties


She found Dawn on the bed, crying quietly.

“You are my sister. I love you. I don’t want you to cry.” She seemed to look inward for a moment. “I’ll make you hot chocolate.”

“No, wait!” When she turned back, Dawn added, “Maybe you could sit here with me?”

Dawn arranged her so they were sitting side-by-side, arms around waists.

After a moment she asked, “Are you feeling better?”

“Yeah, but maybe we could be quiet for a while?”

“OK.”

Closing her eyes against, well, everything, Dawn rested her head on the closest thing she had to her sister’s shoulder.

Comments

[red-satin-doll.livejournal.com]

I don't argue with anyone. Huh, now I'm wondering if I really don't feel safe enough to argue with anyone.

Well I'm not sure that feeling "safe" with one another is an entirely good thing! the fact that we tend to argue and snipe after 17 years and can't seem to change or fix our dynamic is not at all good IMO.

The jist is supposedly we are able to be angry or frustrated - at each other, at our awful day at work, at life in general etc - and express that to each other and know the other person isn't going to abandon us. Or something. Really I would love to be able to handle conflict better but OTOH I know from my childhood that it could be worse. Maybe that's the problem - my template growing up included violence and abuse so anything has to be better, right?

anyhow , moving on...

that level of obliviousness, I think, calls for some serious personal issues that they would be going through.

And of course part of the dysfunction is that they never do - I think Xander has completely justified The Lie to himself, for instance. they never really are as close again as they were before Becoming, I think.

S7 doesn't really change the dynamic - Buffy, Spike, and Willow have their personal arcs, which are great, but in terms of Buffy & SG dynamics, nothing really has after EP. the disagreements are pushed to the side, and it's understandable- they are in a war zone. And Buffy forgives endlessly, even if she doesn't forget. But there's no time to sort through things with only three episodes to go I guess.

[dragonyphoenix.livejournal.com]

Actually there is stuff that I am starting to be more open about, but there are other things I'm not ready to share yet. I think working with my therapist is helping me to open up.

It's dysfunctional and you can't seem to fix it. I can see where that would be a concern. I'm not sure I've ever been able to trust that I wouldn't be abandoned. There are people on my mother's side of the family who will not talk to each other. My mother died without meeting her grandkids (the eldest of whom was about 10 at the time) because my sister was upset about who the hell knows what and wouldn't have anything to do with her.

I don't believe the Scoobies sort their group dynamics out in the comics either, or at least as far as I've read (early S9) they haven't. Huh, I hadn't given much thought to their broken group dynamics.

[red-satin-doll.livejournal.com]

There are people on my mother's side of the family who will not talk to each other.

My fathers family stopped talking to her decades ago because they blamed her (unfairly) for my dad's suicide (WTF?) except for my grandfather. Unfortunately punishing my mom and cutting her off also meant my siblings and I were cut off too. Not fair to my mom, doubly-unfair to us.

I do believe btw that trust has to be earned, but its also possible to be so traumatized early on that it's impossible or very difficult in any situation. I tend to veer between the extremes of trusting too much and being too open, and not trusting enough.

Huh, I hadn't given much thought to their broken group dynamics.

I wasn't conscious of it while I was watching it (but then I barreled through the entire series in three weeks time); but once I "saw" it afterwards I couldn't "unsee" it (re: Ted meta).

[dragonyphoenix.livejournal.com]

Ouch, that does sound majorly nasty. Not only did you lose your Dad, but almost all your relatives on his side of the family at the same time. ;-(

I do have reason to believe that my Dad can change his behavior. He used to date the sweetest woman in the world. Her name if Fran. Both my sister and I wish they were still together because he was better while they were together. She basically told him when he was out of line and in such a way that he could accept it.

Since I need to learn to set boundaries, now I get to see if he'll react as well when I'm pointing it out.

[red-satin-doll.livejournal.com]

Not only did you lose your Dad, but almost all your relatives on his side of the family at the same time. ;-(

Oh exactly, although I sometimes wonder if there's a net loss or gain when people behave like shitheads (pardon my anglo-saxon). I've seen that in my mom's side of the family - at one point distance was exactly what the doctor ordered. But the choice was on our side that time, or rather hers.

But - yeah. I wasn't really aware of the losses at first (esp not with the trauma and chaos of two stepfathers after that), it's more like, like a line that has slowly unspooled over a very long distance and having to pick it all up.trying to rewind it but that's impossible because now it's a dirty, snarled mess. My dad's death wasn't an accident? (I find out because of a slip of the tongue) My uncle died and nobody told me? (I find out because of a slip of the tongue) My grandfather's in the nursing home and nobody told me? (I actually called my aunt up and demanded to know where he was. Go me.) My fathers brother also committed suicide and I have cousins I never knew existed? I can't even recognize my other cousins? etc etc

It could be worse, trust. I wonder if it would have been better if my dad had lived and I'm pretty sure he and mom would have divorced anyway. I'm not sure there is any "better".

he was better while they were together. She basically told him when he was out of line and in such a way that he could accept it.

Which makes her sound a bit like a dog handler - or conversely like Spike behaving because it's what Buffy would have wanted. And actually we ALL do that when we're first in relationship especially, that "honeymoon phase" that can last anywhere from days to years.We're on our best behavior because we're "in love" we're in pursuit of the beloved, there's a promise of reward at the end. Eventually though we come back to who we really are, and then are faced with some real decisions about who we are and who we want to be.

I don't know the specifics but I wonder if perhaps poor Fran didn't get tired of the job after a while. It's exhausting business.

Since I need to learn to set boundaries, now I get to see if he'll react as well when I'm pointing it out.

I definitely recommend Dr Lehrner's books, The Dance of Intimacy, Dance of Anger, Dance of Deception. I first read Anger 20 years ago and found it even more helpful when I reread 2 years ago.

What she makes clear is that anytime someone in a family makes a change, they are going to get "change back!" responses from everyone else. People may not like what's going on in their lives, but any change even for the good is uncomfortable and scary. That when you set boundaries it's not easy - ever; the ideal relationship you may want with someone else may never happen, but you keep setting your boundaries anyway, and keep restating them.

Good luck with all of that, change and growth are the scariest things in the world.

[dragonyphoenix.livejournal.com]

I also have cousins I've only seen pictures of. My aunt Millie stole a bunch of stuff from my mother and then vanished. Years later we learn she's living someplace in the south-west and now has a family of her own. I don't know how many years it was after grandpa's death that she heard about it. But that was more her call as far as I know.

It could be that Fran got tired. I'm surprised they stayed together as long as they did honestly. Fran is very conservative and Republican and Dad was in his activist phase when they were dating. I really expected them to break up years before they did.

I've put The Dance of Anger on hold at the libray and am second in the queue.

I am totally getting the "change back" bit from Dad. That's the problem. He's freaking out and, since I haven't been changing back, he's just getting more and more upset. Plus I've never learned to set boundaries. I'm not sure I have much choice about changing. I was looking at knives and thinking about stabbing them into my arms. I wasn't at the cutting myself point but I was definitely headed in that direction. Definitely makes me now want to go back there.

Nobody in my family knows that yet. Two friends in my women's group had "we don't want to know that" reactions, meaning they sort of averted their eyes and didn't say much. My therapist knows. That's been it so far. That's what I meant in an earlier comment when I said I'm not ready to share everything.

I'm never going to expect Dad to meet some sort of ideal but I would like for us to get along without him shouting at me. My friend Susan told me about issues she'd had with her mother. In her case the mother just couldn't accept Susan's side of things at all. I'm hoping things will go better with my Dad. We will seee.

[red-satin-doll.livejournal.com]

I am totally getting the "change back" bit from Dad.

In the end it's his problem if he can't deal with it, but that's not helpful now, is it? It's like a long-distance marathon rather than a short sprint.

Definitely makes me now want to go back there.

been there, thought about doing that, don't want to go there again. But what we 'want' is rarely the issue.

I'm going to assume you're being entirely serious about the knives and I'm not going to tell you "don't look" because I can't. Because I've looked at knives and sticks and bottles and even a hammer in the past and wanted so badly to hurt myself, hurt SOMEONE. That anger, that frustration is raw and real and excruciating.

I am going to say "DON'T DO IT. PLEASE." And sometimes the best thing for me in a given moment has been to go ahead, imagine myself hurting myself; remember what it was like those few times I beat myself with sticks; or go all the way with the notion of picking up that piece of glass....

and I always end up with "ouch, that would HURT, and there'd be this mess to clean up, just ugh..." And believe or not? That helps, a little. It always gets me past that moment and I can sort of laugh at myself. It doesn't cure or solve or fix anything, but surviving moment to moment is sometimes all we can do.

I've mentioned this to a couple of friends and even my former therapists and they look at me like I've grown another head. So I definitely know the "we don't want to know this" reaction. that's pretty much what keeps us silent about abuse, etc as children; the shame of revealing the truth. And we're all so silent for so long that when someone breaks that and reminds everyone that the Hallmark card and laundry detergent commercial fantasies of happiness are just that, fantasies - it freaks everyone out. We're not used to sharing in a real way, esp eye-to-eye. (Hence the safety of the internet.)

BTW- another book rec is Rose Blauner's "How I stayed alive when my brain was trying to kill me." I sent my copy to a friend of a friend. I need to buy another one for myself.

My friend Susan told me about issues she'd had with her mother.

Hopefully the two of you can connect on this issue more often, because it's so common. WE ALL have parental issues and family shit. Pretending we don't to the outside world is what keeps it toxic.

It's called "nuclear family" for a reason.

[dragonyphoenix.livejournal.com]

I'm not in a near to cutting myself place at the moment. Even when it was worse than it is now, I was more headed in that direction rather than actually doing it. And it might not have been cutting but it wouldn't have been pretty. I might have had a heart attack first or a nervous breakdown. Stuff like that. I'm less stressed at the moment and at least my therapist didn't try to hide under a rock when I told her. Her voice became very sympathetic and she said something like I must have been hurting dreadfully to consider that.

Yeah, I'd never known that about Susan before. I really appreciated her speaking up about it.

I'm pretty sure the name "nuclear family" didn't originate as a toxic family kind of idea, although it does work well that way. *laughs*