actually, my responses weren't all that bad!

[dragonyphoenix]

In response to my initial post on the situation with my aunt Alice, Red Satin Doll made this comment: “It’s obvious that you're making changes, going to therapy, identifying toxic patterns and that is incredibly threatening to the people who are still locked into their dysfunctions.”

I’ve been thinking about my responses to Alice’s posts. What she did follows a pattern of behavior. Alice gets upset and lashes out at me. On Facebook, this lashing out follows a specific format. She announces the motivations behind my action. It’s never my actual motivation and is always mean spirited. Her post is always terribly hurtful. Saying that I think I’m more intelligent than everyone else is a common complaint. I don’t know what that’s about; her issue.

My response also follows a pattern. Because the announced motivations aren’t anything like my  real motivations, I respond by explaining why I made the original post in the first place.

Now that I look back, there is a difference this time. Up until now my responses have had a groveling subtext like this: “Oh, gosh, I so didn’t mean to upset you. Let me run around like a chicken with its head cut off and try to make it better.” This year’s response had a subtext that reads more like this: “You’re an adult. You should have enough emotional control to see I didn’t mean to insult you and to get over it.” Certainly this is not the nicest response I could have made but she’d just told me I was arrogant and that I think I’m more intelligent than everyone else. I’m not a saint!

Still, I think this is a good response. In the past I’ve played a victim role when Alice has lashed out at me. This time I remained detached and suggested that I’m not responsible for her lack of emotional control.

In addition, I started strategizing. Obviously this defensive response of reacting to a specific situation rather than the pattern of behavior wasn’t working. When my Dad was making me crazy, I was able to explain the behavior patterns and why they upset me. I knew this would work with Dad because I’ve seen him, many times over the course of my life, take in this kind of input and respond well to it. If he understands his behavior patterns, he’s willing to change them. I had no idea if this would work with Alice or not because I’d never seen her get that kind of input. But I decided the next time she lashed out, this would be the kind of response I would go for.

Again, I think this is a good response. I’ve never before thought ahead to work out how I’ll respond to a situation I know will occur. I’d even thought it out enough to decide to leave out small digs. For example, I could have compared Alice’s lashing out behavior to my Mom’s (which makes it not only Alice’s pattern but a family pattern), but Alice didn’t get along with my Mom and would think of it as an insult. I chose not to go that route because it would not have been productive (even if the dig would have been satisfying. Again, not a saint!).

I never put this new strategy into action because Alice jumped to another one. She unfriended me on Facebook. There are relatives all over my family who refuse to talk to each other. I could have still gone ahead with my new strategy but … When I explained his patterns to my Dad, it was because he’s important to me. I didn’t want to lose that relationship. Alice can be generous and Alice can be funny, but she also has no problem lashing out at me and I’ve never seen her show any remorse for the hurt she’s caused me. As far as I know, she doesn’t even realize she’s being mean. (For example, in her first post she said she didn’t intend to be mean but she also insulted me.)

I unfriended her. I don’t know if that’s a good decision or not. It falls heavily into a family pattern that’s dysfunctional which makes me suspect that response.

But based on her last message, the one where she unfriended me, she’s in a really crazy headspace. I can look from here and see it because it’s the same kind of headspace I was in before I got into therapy. I have whole journals full of scribbled rage. I recognize it. Until she’s willing to resolve her issues - presumably by getting therapy herself - she’s not going to change, and I don’t want to live feeling like I’m under siege, always waiting for the next attack.

Comments

[velvetwhip.livejournal.com]

I think what it boils down to is this - you can't (shouldn't) be the Family Therapist. You need to make yourself your priority. She's clearly toxic and clearly uninterested in being anything else. I think unfriending her, while on the surface resembling a negative pattern, is actually a very positive way of clearing someone out of your life who isn't doing any good.


Gabrielle

[dragonyphoenix.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

She's clearly toxic and clearly uninterested in being anything else. I think this line is what it boils down to. She's not going to change. I can either deal with her or I can leave.

[the-emu.livejournal.com]

There. That right there.
Bookmark it in case you ever need to remind yourself in the future.

8^-

[dragonyphoenix.livejournal.com]

Good idea. I'll probably need that reminder a lot given that aunt Alice and my sister are close.

[snogged.livejournal.com]

I think you're doing what you need to do to stay mentally and emotionally healthy.

*hugs*

[dragonyphoenix.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I am trying to.

I have, though, let my bitch flag fly in another post. I did not share it with the fam though. They're already upset enough.

*hugs*

[double_dutchess]

I understand you are worried about seeing a pattern, but to me it seems like a perfectly normal and healthy reponse to unfriend her.

[dragonyphoenix.livejournal.com]

Phew. Good. Thank you.

I think I've been second-guessing myself too much!

[kikimay]

I think you did right. Ultimately you have to do what is good for your equilibrium and if your aunt is being so problematic, I think that a good stage of "radio silence" can do only good even for her, maybe.

Also, and I hope I understood the situation correctly, you're afraid that pissing your aunt off will cause trouble into your family? I can understand (I'm also always careful with these sort of things, mostly because I want to be present in my kid cousins' lives) But I also believe that going on into a toxic path can do no good.

[dragonyphoenix.livejournal.com]

Thanks. Alice didn't talk to my mother for years so I'm pretty sure disowning me isn't going to bother her enough to help her deal with her issues. Unfortunately.

My aunt Alice and my sister Jackie are close. So pissing off Alice could alienate me from my sister and mean I don't get to see her kids. Jackie's doing her best to stay out of this.

Apparently I have already upset Jackie. The same posts that offended Alice also offended Jackie, to the point where she's ignoring my Facebook posts. So who knows if there will be family visits in the future.

I had been worried about family connections at first. But in her twenties Jackie would have nothing to do with Dad. Later, when she needed money for a car, she reconciled with Dad and Mom eventually became the big demon Jackie disowned. Now that Mom's dead, she'd back to disowning Dad. I'm definitely going to be on that disowned list sooner or later. Jackie's not the bully Alice is, but she's still pretty toxic.

At this point I can't see agreeing to interact with Alice unless she's had a shitload of therapy, and I don't believe she has enough self-awareness to realize she needs therapy.