Run

[dragonyphoenix]

Title: Run
Fandom: BtVS
Characters: Xander, Willow, Angelus
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Joss Whedon: genius; me: just playing with his characters
Warning: I hadn't realized it but apparently I'm being squickly cruel to Xander.

 

Xander scanned the garden as he tried his bonds. No luck. Angelus had tied them too tightly. Even if he could free himself, the garden was at the center of a house, well, mansion was more like it, which was crawling with minions.
 

Not a bad place to die. Not that he wanted to die but also not like his opinion counted for much at this point.
 

He wondered if he'd see Willow before Angelus killed him. Not that he wanted to. If Angelus hadn't killed her, well no, after two years Angelus most definitely had killed her, but if he'd turned her afterwards, Xander didn't want to know. He'd rather go to his death thinking she was well and truly dead.
 

As if his thoughts had evoked her, Willow stepped into the garden, nervously looking over her shoulder but approaching him quickly and confidently.
 

“Xander, thank God you're still alive,” she said, settling before him in the moonlight, which made her skin seem paler and her hair darker than he recalled. No, her skin would be paler now. No sunlight. When he didn't answer, she asked, as if with concern, “Are you OK?”
 

Why do vampires always want to banter, he wondered. “Come on. You're just glad I'm alive so you can torture and kill me yourself. You know it. I know it. Don't play with me.” Stupid move, stupid move, stupid move, he thought knowing that, to a vampire, that kind of comment was just like waving a red flag in front of a bull.
 

Willow bit at her lip as if uncertain. “Xander,” she said, touching his cheek. Her hand was warm.
 

“Willow?”
 

She started untying the ropes. “We have to get out of here quickly. I don't know how long they can keep the vampires distracted.”
 

“Who? What?” Xander asked in confusion.
 

“Demon hunters. They rescued me. I... I'm sorry I didn't get world to you but I couldn't break my cover. Come on, they'll be waiting for us just outside.” Standing, she put a finger over her lips and gestured for him to follow her.
 

They made it out a side door without being noticed. Searching the area, Xander asked, “So where are these guys?”
 

“Church is a couple of blocks that way,” Willow said, following her own train of thought before adding, “What guys?”
 

“The demon hunters. You said they'd be waiting outside,” Xander replied.
 

“Oops.” Willow turned her ridged face towards Xander. “Run,” she said.
 

Xander startled back a few steps. A tear slid down his cheek. “Willow?” he stammered.
 

Angelus stepped out of the shadows. “Was his despair everything you'd hoped for?”
 

“It was but why won't he run? I can't have a hunt if the puppy won't run,” Willow replied.
 

Angelus stepped towards Xander.
 

He ran.

Note: I've been trying to figure out why so many people thought this was dark whenI don't.  In the original version, which was Spander, Spike and a bunch of Slayers are there to save Xander but Willow and Angel get away.  It was a bittersweet, found out WIllow's been vamped, but not too dark, nobody got hurt kind of a story.  This shorter version worked better and I never noticed how dark it was without the original ending.

Comments

[velvetwhip.livejournal.com]

Poor Xander!


Gabrielle

[dragonyphoenix.livejournal.com]

Granted, they are being very cruel, and manipulative, towards Xander but... compared to what you do to him in Escape Me Never?

Excellent icon you have there.

[velvetwhip.livejournal.com]

Okay...I was pretty mean to him in EMN. *bad Gabrielle*

Thank you. It was made by raebird.


Gabrielle

[dragonyphoenix.livejournal.com]

It did make for an excellent story although, now that I've remembered it even months after I read it, I need to rush off and read something light and fluffy to make my brain stop screaming.

Braaains! Great. Now I'm thinking about zombies, which, now that I think of it, I don't recall ever seeing on Buffy.

[kayt-arminta.livejournal.com]

Oh yummy. If you're looking for places to cross post the darker_vault would welcome this contribution.

[dragonyphoenix.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I've put in a request to join so I'll post it once that's processed.

[parcae-lj.livejournal.com]

DP, don't take this the wrong way, but right at the moment I kind of want to punch you in the crotch until you die.

[dragonyphoenix.livejournal.com]

Umm. I apologize. I honestly didn't realize this would be such an upsetting story although, given how I feel when other people do terrible things to Xander, I guess I should have.

[rua1412.livejournal.com]

Cool drabble!
Poor Xander ^_^

[dragonyphoenix.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I'm glad you like the story.

[devo79.livejournal.com]

Damn.
Poor Xander.

[dragonyphoenix.livejournal.com]

Didn't realize this was so upsetting. I've added a warning.

[devo79.livejournal.com]

A warning?
Why'd you do that?
Stories are supposed to force surprise emotions out of you.

[dragonyphoenix.livejournal.com]

Apparently the emotions raised by this story are stronger than I'd realized. I'd rather not have pitchfork and torch wielding readers, caught off guard by the story, hunting me down.

Or, to put it another way, I'm a bit wigged by how dark people think this story is. Given that velvetwhip writes stories that squick me, I was surprised by her comment. Even with kayt_arminta's comment, I almost replied with "I'd be happy to post it to darker_vault but do you really think it's dark enough for that community?" While I don't think that parcae_lj is really threatening me, having somebody upset by what I thought was a fairly innocuous story? Disturbing. At least she's not the only one who is upset...

[parcae-lj.livejournal.com]

Came across this while googling my name. No, of course I wasn't threatening you.

[dragonyphoenix.livejournal.com]

It was a long while ago but, as I recall it, I didn't really think you wanted to kill me but I was quite shocked, when I first read it, by the vehemence of your response.

Although I can see better now why people think it's such a dark story.

[snogged.livejournal.com]

Poor Xander.
He doesn't stand a chance.

Great fic though!

[dragonyphoenix.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[spikesredqueen.livejournal.com]

I absolutely loved this but poor Xander, great job!

[dragonyphoenix.livejournal.com]

Thanks. Yeah, I was pretty harsh to Xander here. ;-(

On the other hand, I still feel all *squee* when I read it. ;-)

[dragonyphoenix.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I was surprised at some of the initial reactions; largely because it just doesn't seem very dark at all to me.

[red-satin-doll.livejournal.com]

Wow I see what you meant in another comment to me about the responses you got here. someone threatening violence against you? Not acceptable EVER.

the twist at the end is a good one (how can she still be warm?) so even I was lulled by it, but compared to some things I've read, in a fandom where torture porn is not difficult to find and in fact often lauded? Charcoal grey at most, hon.

Although if I ever got a reaction like that from Gabrielle OTOH, I'd be crowing about it for days; that's a high compliment. She knows from dark.

[dragonyphoenix.livejournal.com]

They did apologize for that really violent remark later, but yeah, that totally freaked me out.

I figured she was warm because she'd just fed so the human blood had warmed her up.

Yeah, I was pretty pleased by Gabrielle's reaction. And when darker vault wanted to post if over there, those two really should have been a clue that people were reading it as being darker than I thought it was.

Thanks. charcoal grey. That's what I think too.

[red-satin-doll.livejournal.com]

I figured she was warm because she'd just fed so the human blood had warmed her up.

Oh I hadn't thought of that!

people were reading it as being darker than I thought it was.

What I learned from last year's Absence of light awards, just looking at the Angst category, is that the term (like the word "dark") can cover an extremely wide range of fics, styles, and storylines: Snowpuppies Innocence remix is definitely "angst" but stories like quinara's "abridgement" are the sort I call "watercolor angst" because the angst is subtle. So with this fic too.

I think "dark" in this case isn't about violence - because there's nothing graphic onscreen but the absence of hope, which I think is the essence of "darkfic". There is no light at the end of this tunnel. However I think the concept of "dark fic" or "angst" has been hiijacked by graphic sex, torture, dub-con and non-con, etc. My guess is that this is due in part because those things evoke very strong visceral reactions; and the fact that there is an audience for that kind of thing.

[dragonyphoenix.livejournal.com]

With the warmth from the blood, I needed a mislead so I made that up. ;-)

It's also probably easier to write the graphic sex, torture, etc. than it is to write the absence of hope.

[red-satin-doll.livejournal.com]

It's also probably easier to write the graphic sex, torture, etc. than it is to write the absence of hope.

Which is interesting because I think relatively few of us have experienced the first but haven't most of us experienced the second? but the second is very internal....oddly enough I remember as a child having dreams of someone (not myself) being tortured, or constructing elaborate stories in my head of someone (usually a woman) being tortured or more often humiliated etc; but I chalked that up to living with abusive stepfathers and I outgrew them at some point along the way.

There may also have been a element of visualizing my experiences in school being constantly bullied in that, which I hadn't thought of before, Huh. *ponders*

[dragonyphoenix.livejournal.com]

I think it can be easier to write about something that you cannot personally relate it, at least when it's something awful. There is a level of not-realness for me that lets me write about terrible things. Something that might seem less terrible but be something I've actually experienced I can't write or would have trouble writing.

I was more ignored than bullied in school.

[red-satin-doll.livejournal.com]

I think it can be easier to write about something that you cannot personally relate it, at least when it's something awful.

Very probably true. And at that, it's probably also true when it comes to not-awful things? rahirah once noted on her Lj that it's easier for her to write m/f than f/f, and wondered if it were true because as a lesbian f/f is too close to home? Which made me wonder if that's true for me (as a lesbian) as well.

but then there's other times when I've been able to write things that are indeed close to home - when my partner and I were having a really rough patch in our relationship ten years ago a lot of it came out in my writing; it was easier for me to write conflic into my fic at the time.

Then there is also the simple aspects of imagination and curiousity , of 'what if?" that come into play as well.

I was more ignored than bullied in school.

I used to wish that I were ignored. Which does not bring back good memories at all!

[dragonyphoenix.livejournal.com]

Well, I think it can go both ways. Sometimes things you are very close to are too hard / angsty to write or to write well, but there is also the catharsis of writing something out.

I think some of my darkest non-con torture stories were largely a scream of anguish. It was a really bad time for me and that's one of the ways that expressed itself. Having said that, as rahirah (http://rahirah.livejournal.com/) mentioned there is the sexualized pain as a kink aspect. I've been thinking about this lately and it's confusing for me because it can be both. It can be an expression of intense internal pain but it can also be something that I just enjoy reading.

[red-satin-doll.livejournal.com]

Well, I think it can go both ways.

Oh absolutely. for me, for instance, I can't read spanking fics. I have bad memories from childhood. for other people I'm sure it's a a way to get a handle on those memories, and take back control for themselves. Sort of like my brother realized he was having nightmares about spiders and set about learning all he could about them.

I think some of my darkest non-con torture stories were largely a scream of anguish.

And probably a healthier way to express it than a good many other methods I can think of! I've never gone that direction although my mother considered the poetry I wrote in high school very dark and troubling. "Do I need to be worried about you?" she'd ask, so I stopped showing them to her. To me it was all about word-play (c'mon what high school student doesn't go through a "dark phase"?) but in hindsight perhaps she was onto something.

It can be an expression of intense internal pain but it can also be something that I just enjoy reading.

I guess I can understand that; angst probably works that way for me. (Buffy waking up in her own coffin is one of the most horrifying images of the series. Do I hate it? Yes. Have I watched that episode repeatedly? Yes.)

[rahirah]

I think it's a lot simpler than that: for lots and lots of people, sexualized pain of whatever variety is a major kink. Not nearly as many people kink on non-sexualized despair. (There have to be some, because there is nothing in the universe that someone doesn't find a turn-on, but I suspect they're in a minority.) Why this is so I wouldn't venture to guess, but realizing it helped me be a little less grumpy about the fact that what I mean by dark fic was usually not what fandom means by darkfic.

[red-satin-doll.livejournal.com]

sexualized pain of whatever variety is a major kink.

I've definitely seen some really scary fiction on the 'net - and I'm not even talking about within fandom. The "why" I still don't get and I think we've had a similar discussion before (my brain has the holding capacity of a squirrel lately.) Even imaging it privately or people engaging in consentual whatever-whatever is one thing; (inflicting or receiving even mild pain, like "love taps" or whatnot stimulates and excites the skin, gets the endorphins going, plus the thrill of playing with power and control. I get that.)

Actually writing about it in graphic detail? that I don't understand. I'm not trying to judge it but I honestly can't grasp it either.

But this is coming from someone whose major kinks are winged Slayers and occasionally, women cutting their hair *shifty eyes*

Not nearly as many people kink on non-sexualized despair.

And by "kink" we're saying something different than "enjoy reading and writing", correct? I mean, I enjoy angst o'plenty but maybe that's not the same thing as "despair" per se.

what I mean by dark fic was usually not what fandom means by darkfic.

I would have thought "dark" meant angst, perhaps some psychological horror or difficult RL issues such as incest or domestic abuse. But again - perspective, the only other fandom I ever read fic or wrote for was Moulin Rouge almost ten years ago, and that fandom is about as chaste as you can get. Lots of romance, etc, mostly young female writers - which is sort of funny considering it's a movie set in a bordello and dance hall. A few people did explore the realities of that life; "dark" usually meant "Christian remains in a state of unending grief and suicidal depression after Satine dies" and really dark meant "he commits suicide."

[rahirah]

by "kink" we're saying something different than "enjoy reading and writing", correct?

Correct. (Though humans being the complicated critters that they are, I sometime think that there's not always such a hard and fast boundary as we'd like to believe.)

My personal definition of 'dark' would be heavy angst/hopelessness/seriously dodgy ethical decisions. Like, say, Angel trying to kill Wesley after Wesley stole Connor in canon, or Buffy deciding to kill Faith to save Angel's life. But in Buffyverse fandom (and from the discussions I've seen on my flist from people in other fandoms as well) 'dark' has increasingly come to mean noncon/dubcon/D/s/slavefic/tortureporn/etc.

Although actually, I think the "dark = noncon" trend may have peaked some years back, during the time when sexymermaid was at the height of her popularity and a lot of other authors were trying to emulate her. Most of the people who were writing those stories moved on to writing original m/m erotica.

[red-satin-doll.livejournal.com]

Ok, "kink" definitely means something different in fanfic than my more generic/vanilla definition! (I just tried to read clockwork_hart1's Kendra/Drusilla fic written for femmeslash_kink or some site like that and - ah. ok. I'm starting to get it.

I am either very (willfully) sheltered or very dense.

My personal definition of 'dark' would be heavy angst/hopelessness/seriously dodgy ethical decisions.

That was/is pretty much mine as well: Willow in Bargaining and All the Way also come to mind. (then again I thought Flutie being eaten alive was pretty damn dark, but maybe that just falls under the heading of "horror". Or "shit just got real" at the very least.)

'dark' has increasingly come to mean noncon/dubcon/D/s/slavefic/tortureporn/etc.

So the terms "kink" and "dark" are sort of overlapping now, or is there any real difference?

Valyssia seems to write some VERY dark stuff - some of her stories have a list of warnings longer than my arm. (She's also the author of a story where Willow has buffy under her control and Buffy is her sexual slave that just shocked the hell out of me until I finally hit the back button.) And she's very highly regarded as an author. Different strokes.

[rahirah]

Well, kink CAN mean just a narrative device you like - time travel, or redemption arcs, or whatever. Which makes it confusing since people don't always specify which type they're talking about. And in the last ten years admitting to kinks in the sexual sense has gotten a lot safer and more common in fandom spaces, so there's a changing context over time as well.

I think kink and dark can overlap, but aren't by any means congruent - I mean, you can have stories about fluffy, happy kinks just as easily as dark painful ones. I have a huge kink for too-skinny characters being fed delicious food - I can read or write about that happening in a sexual context or in a non-sexual context, but regardless of the context it always makes me happy in my girl parts. If someone gets off on the thought of their characters lounging in a huge marble tub, soaping each other up and massaging oil into each other and whatnot, and writes up a story devoted to a steamy, elaborate description of same, I consider that just as kinky as a story about whips and chains.

There's a tendency to dismiss or ignore the lighter kinky stuff, which I think is just a special case of people's general tendency to think that grim and unhappy stories are inherently of greater literary worth.