I'm Eeyore

[dragonyphoenix]

I have been getting more and more depressed. At first it was only workdays, but then it started extending into the weekends. Today I burst into tears. It was just for a few minutes but it was over pretty much nothing. I'd been feeling like crying all morning and it finally burst out of me.

My friend Anne agreed with me that it might be hormonal (perimenopause), but also said this: "You are depressed a lot, so I wonder if you've ever talked to someone about chronic clinical depression? I have friends and family members who have been greatly helped by very mild and temporary medication--sometimes your brain chemistry just needs to be kicked back in the right direction."

I don't know. I don't want to take something with a bunch of side effects, but I am getting more and more miserable over time. ;-(

Comments

[forsaken2003.livejournal.com]

I have been manic depressive since I was 12 (At least that is when they finally diagnosed me) my mom figured I had depression since I was atleast 9. At 24 I was diagnosed as bipolar (I'm 27 now). If you think this may be a chemical imbalance I have to urge you to go to your doctor to find out and get the help you need. Its not only medication but you can see a doc to talk to about any problems you are having.

You really dont want to wait escpecially if you can start feeling better.

If you want to talk more about this feel free to message me =)

*hugs*

[dragonyphoenix.livejournal.com]

Up till now I've figured it was just my crappy job making me unhappy. Either today or yesterday it occured to me that maybe it's hormonal.

So the doctor would figure out if it's chemical with a blood test, right? You are so NOT encouraging me to go. BIG phobia! Honestly, this means Dad coming into town so he can drive me to the doctor because I'll be drugged out on Valium.

I do feel significantly better today. Possibly asking others for help worked to make me feel better. Or maybe it was that walk I took although I felt better before then. But I'm expecting to feel worse tomorrow when I'm at the job. *sigh*

But I do get that I have to do something. The whole keeps getting worse over time bit did convince me of that. *another sigh*

Ack, and look how late it's gotten. I still want to spend some time memorizing poetry before I sleep! That, at least, does consistently cheer me up. *grin*

[forsaken2003.livejournal.com]

You dont have to worry there are no bloody tests. Mental illnesses can not be found in the blood.

If you go to a doctor they will most likely ask you a lot of questions I dont remember the complete works of it because it was 15 years ago. But here are some common symptoms if you have a few of these you really really really should see your doctor right away.

1) You either sleep too much or not enough
2) You have a hard time concentrating
3) You feel hopeless/worthless
4) thoughts of death or suicide
5) you are much more irritable, short-tempered, or aggressive than usual
6) you have lost your appetite or you can’t stop eating
7) hallucinations. An example I'd see spiders on the wall which werent there. A man standing at the end of my bed
8) loss interests
9)Self-loathing
10)Reckless behavior. You engage in escapist behavior such as substance abuse, compulsive gambling, reckless driving, or dangerous sports. (Could also be inpulse buying)
11)unexplained aches and pains.

I hope this helps you!

[dragonyphoenix.livejournal.com]

Hmm, guess I went a bit overboard about the needles there, huh? Oh the joys of a phobia!

Hmmm, I do seem to be sleeping in late, on the weekends at least; during the workweek I'm often up late watching cheesy tv (distraction from the blahs). I've been more short-tempered than usual for YEARS now. I have been eating lots more desserts than usual lately, hence weight going slowly up. *sigh* I've never been once to hallucinate, even in my younger days when I took drugs (decades ago, that). Every once in a while I look at alcohol and REALLY want to get drunk. Sometimes I look at a knife and visions of my arms all cut up fill my head (slashes across, not killing myself), but the idea of cutting is freaking me out.

Yep, I think I need help.

[forsaken2003.livejournal.com]

I think you do hun. But I want you to know there is nothing to be ashamed of. I've had at one time or another all of those symptoms. But you should really try to get a hold of your doctor tomorrow if you can *hugs*

[dragonyphoenix.livejournal.com]

Working on finding a therapist. I have a friend who is a social worker, and she gave me criteria for selecting one. Plus I need to talk to work about whom they'll cover me to visit.

[forsaken2003.livejournal.com]

Thats great hun! Let me know how everything goes. Hopefully work will cover it or atleast help pay for part of it.

[dragonyphoenix.livejournal.com]

There is a number through the employee assistance program that I have to call first. Apparently I talk to them five times and they can give me a referral, which means my health insurance might cover it. I didn't want to call from work and am at the library now so I'll check it out in more deatail after dinner.

[forsaken2003.livejournal.com]

If you go your doctor they might be able to get you a referal. At least thats how I did it. Not sure if it works that way everywhere

[dragonyphoenix.livejournal.com]

But I want you to know there is nothing to be ashamed of. I've had at one time or another all of those symptoms. Oh, and thanks for that. It's still wigging me, making me feel like I'm a real freak or something. You're the first one I've given the symptoms to, even beating out Kat. She had to tell me something very drastic, that a friend of ours did during a breakdown, before I admitted visualizing my arms slashed.

[forsaken2003.livejournal.com]

It can be very scary but you are in no way a freak. Or if you are the two of us can start a club! =)

Sometimes its easier to hear that someone else has a problem before you can admit your own. Does that make sense?

[dragonyphoenix.livejournal.com]

That makes total sense.

[dragonyphoenix.livejournal.com]

Oh, and thanks for the offer to chat. I do appreciate it! *hugs back*

[forsaken2003.livejournal.com]

Not a problem I know this is a very hard discussion and that a lot of people dont understand it and even fear it so they dont know how to help their loved ones when they need it.

[dragonyphoenix.livejournal.com]

Oh, I haven't even come near discussing this with family, well other than Kat and she's more family of the heart.

[lemorttoussaint.livejournal.com]

If you need someone to talk to or vent at, I can listen. Whatever you end up doing, meds or counseling or talking it through with friends, I hope it's the right thing for you and everything works out.

[dragonyphoenix.livejournal.com]

Thanks, it's nice to have the reminder that I have someone willing to listen to me vent. While overall this has been getting worse, today I've been feeling much better since this morning, better than usual even. However I expect tomorrow (Monday that is) to be a big letdown.

[baudown.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry you are experiencing this. You should certainly see a doctor to determine if this is the result of something physical. If it isn't, therapy can really, really help. Medication can help too, but you shouldn't feel like you have to jump immediately to that step.

Things can get better, and I'm thinking positive thoughts for you that they do.

[dragonyphoenix.livejournal.com]

See, I've been putting this off because-- *sigh* more stuff to do! I've been feeling much better since sometime after I cried. Not exactly sure when things turned around today; maybe when I went for a walk, but I think I felt better before then. I've actually been feeling remarkably good since then.

I expect to feel worse at work tomorrow, though. That's when it always turns bad.

[spikesjojo.livejournal.com]

You may want to start with St Johns Wort - it's what my younger daughter uses for her depression. The rest of us are all on anti-depressants. The most important thing to know about depression is that it is not a moral failing or a lack of strength. It is a chemical problem. No one ever suggests that a diabetic just buck up and forget about insulin. Your brain is as much an organic part of your body as your pancreas.

Black Cohosh is good for perimenopause - and there are some other herbal remedies. If these don't help, I really urge you to get to your doctor and talk about your symptoms. It may well be hard, but the pain of depression is just one of the worst possible - and the cruel part is that it makes you least likely to want to take care of yourself.

Please check in - let me know how things are going. I have lived this, gone through it with both my husband and kids, and have made it to a pretty stable and comfortable place. Anything I have learned on my journey that is helpful I will share. Maybe we don't know each other well, but I really do care!

[silk-labyrinth.livejournal.com]

Any chance at all that you could change jobs? I know that's a HUGE thing to suggest, but the job situation sounds like the wellspring of your original low feelings. I was in a job that became unbearable, and my emotions (and therefore life in general) became so much better when I finally made a change.

Sidenote #1: I know you're perimenopausal, but if you're using birth control pills, keep in mind that St. John's wort can make them less effective.

Sidenote #2: Researchers have found that our tears contain stress hormones and that crying when we're stressed helps get those excess (and unhelpful) hormones out of the body.

Wishing you well as you work through your options. Very best of luck!

[dragonyphoenix.livejournal.com]

I would LOVE to change jobs. Actually I want to take a year's sabattical and take writing classes. I'm thinking next September. If I get the courage to do it since it's a sucky time to end up unemployed.

I'm not on birth control, but I'd have to check if any herbs messed with my blood pressure meds first. Hmmm, and that bit about the tears explains why I felt better after crying yesterday. I was really wondering what it had been that had cheered me up!

Thanks.

[silk-labyrinth.livejournal.com]

I'll cross my fingers for the sabbatical possibility. I was happy to read that you're considering something like that! Best of luck.
ETA: Just saw that you're considering therapy. Thumbs up for that -- it's been a big help to me.

[dragonyphoenix.livejournal.com]

Sadly I don't think I'll get a chance with the sabbatical, much as I'd love to. I have the savings for it but being unable to find a new job afterwards would make me lose the house and kill my credit. And, more importantly, the mortgage company could take from me the difference between what was owed on the house and what it sold for. *grrrrr*

Definitely going forward with the therapy though. Have to post a follow up so all the really nice people who've been commenting and being so supportive know what's going on.

[dragonyphoenix.livejournal.com]

Um, it only went up yesterday, and I thought you weren't checking your e-mail as often so I didn't expect to hear from you immediately although I was hoping you would notice it (and not have it get lost in the pile of catch-up).

Well, the side effects I was worried about weren't weight gain although I will put my foot down for that one. I already weigh too much, especially since I have high blood pressure. Herbs are tricky though because they can mess with my medication. I had thought about talk therapy, but accupuncture would never had occured to me. Thanks!

I can't call tonight because I'm supposed to call my friend Kat. She's a social worker too (that's what you do, right?) and wants to give me advice on finding a therapist. At least I think so. She sounded sad when she left me a message this morning and has been on the phone for an hour and a half so now I'm wondering if she's having some personal issues as well.

*giant hug and love back*

Thanks so much sweetie!

[baudown.livejournal.com]

Just popping in to give you a big hello and wish you well.

[dragonyphoenix.livejournal.com]

Thanks. Still all Eeyore-ey, but I am looking for a therapist.