dragonyphoenix

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“I don't want to be mean, but …”

Stop right there. You’re about to be mean. If you want to say whatever’s coming after the word “but” then lose “I don’t want to be mean.” You’re being mean. Own it.

If you really don’t want to be mean, then “I don’t want to be mean so I’ll stop now.”

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From:

alatefeline

Oh, yeah, still bad at advice giving. But?

It is okay to be satisfied/pleased with yourself and with your own marked progress and growth as a person. That isn't necessarily the same as smugness or grandiosity. Having a sense of accomplishment, even with inside-the-head stuff, is useful because it is both motivating and restful. Being aware that you have drawn a line and now adhere to a certain standard that may have been difficult to reach is worth a bit of celebration, although it needn't be expressed in comparison to others. Basically, it's okay to feel good about something about yourself even if other things are not-good.

On a slightly different but related note...

I give myself brownie points for Not Saying The Bad Things - or the perfectly reasonable things, but too loud, too fast, too many in a row, and requiring too much work from my interlocutor. As in I have an actual mental score card for each day, and will add to it or even ask someone close to me "Can I have a brownie point?" for when I manage to do good things or just overcome my tendency to fly off the handle. Which can sometimes edge into, "I wanna say but I'm not gonna say..." territory, so I am trying to be increasingly cautious with it.

Also, I washed some dishes tonight, and dang it, I am proud of that.

Finally, I am very pleased that you are gaining something from this conversation! I find your posts and comments to be fascinating.

From:

dragonyphoenix

It is okay to be satisfied/pleased with yourself and with your own marked progress and growth as a person. That isn't necessarily the same as smugness or grandiosity. Ah, thank you. I'm the perfectionist child so if I'm having even a tiny mean-spirited thought I think I must be failing!

The brownie points is a great idea. It's so easy for us - people I mean - to focus on the negative. Actively looking for the positive is a great way to counter that.

Finally, I am very pleased that you are gaining something from this conversation! I find your posts and comments to be fascinating. Thank you. Me too with yours. There aren't many people in my life who get me thinking.