but ...

[dragonyphoenix]

“I don't want to be mean, but …”

Stop right there. You’re about to be mean. If you want to say whatever’s coming after the word “but” then lose “I don’t want to be mean.” You’re being mean. Own it.

If you really don’t want to be mean, then “I don’t want to be mean so I’ll stop now.”

Comments

[alatefeline]

To me "mean" implies "cruel, deliberately inflicting pain for pain's sake" and can only be used when you have permission from yourself to be outright malicious and selfish (e.g. in theatrical play, or in self-defense against an evil and powerful opponent)...for me, almost never...

...whereas "hurtful" implies "I recognize the probability of pain here" and is STILL a great big flashing neon sign for caution, examine one's motives and prioritizes, but it isn't *necessarily* prioritizing one's own petty goals over another's well-being, since sometimes help can be painful...

But maybe I am completely on the wrong foot here. This certainly isn't what the original post from dragonyphoenix seemed to be saying to me; I interpreted that as being more about the common tendency, which I certainly share, to prioritize just about EVERYTHING over genuine consideration for *someone else's* emotional and mental well-being.

Sometimes reflexively looking for the gray area gets me in trouble. Some things should be allowed to stand. Like "stop hurting me."

[dragonyphoenix]

No, I think you were right on. As I've posted in other comments, there was a lot going on behind this post.

Your distinction between mean and hurtful is excellent. It's like the difference between criticism and constructive criticism. One's trying to knock a person down; the other to explain something they might not be seeing.

[alatefeline]

Wow! I am NOT a good person to get advice from, because I have trouble reading other people and/or knowing what will actually be helpful, but sometimes people seem to take an insight I had about myself and run with it, and I think you did that. Congratulations on all your insights on Monday!

On boundaries: With family, personally, I am good at SEEING self vs. others, but not so good at FUNCTIONING by myself, which means I will sometimes make a clear, respectful, self-aware request ... for something I shouldn't be bloody asking for. Different mess than not realize that other people's crap is Not My Crap, which is dismayingly common, but still a mess.