but ...

[dragonyphoenix]

“I don't want to be mean, but …”

Stop right there. You’re about to be mean. If you want to say whatever’s coming after the word “but” then lose “I don’t want to be mean.” You’re being mean. Own it.

If you really don’t want to be mean, then “I don’t want to be mean so I’ll stop now.”

Comments

[baronjanus]

Yes, I was gonna say just that: how about "I don't want to be mean, but sometimes it's necessary". I don't want to be mean, but I'm gonna be anyway because Very Good Reasons.

Also something to think about, not sure about other people but for me "I’ll stop now" is the worst. Because one will always come up with terrible meaningful things left unsaid, even if the original meaning was mild at best. "I want to say something but I won't" is ominous.

[alatefeline]

To me "mean" implies "cruel, deliberately inflicting pain for pain's sake" and can only be used when you have permission from yourself to be outright malicious and selfish (e.g. in theatrical play, or in self-defense against an evil and powerful opponent)...for me, almost never...

...whereas "hurtful" implies "I recognize the probability of pain here" and is STILL a great big flashing neon sign for caution, examine one's motives and prioritizes, but it isn't *necessarily* prioritizing one's own petty goals over another's well-being, since sometimes help can be painful...

But maybe I am completely on the wrong foot here. This certainly isn't what the original post from dragonyphoenix seemed to be saying to me; I interpreted that as being more about the common tendency, which I certainly share, to prioritize just about EVERYTHING over genuine consideration for *someone else's* emotional and mental well-being.

Sometimes reflexively looking for the gray area gets me in trouble. Some things should be allowed to stand. Like "stop hurting me."

[dragonyphoenix]

No, I think you were right on. As I've posted in other comments, there was a lot going on behind this post.

Your distinction between mean and hurtful is excellent. It's like the difference between criticism and constructive criticism. One's trying to knock a person down; the other to explain something they might not be seeing.

[alatefeline]

Wow! I am NOT a good person to get advice from, because I have trouble reading other people and/or knowing what will actually be helpful, but sometimes people seem to take an insight I had about myself and run with it, and I think you did that. Congratulations on all your insights on Monday!

On boundaries: With family, personally, I am good at SEEING self vs. others, but not so good at FUNCTIONING by myself, which means I will sometimes make a clear, respectful, self-aware request ... for something I shouldn't be bloody asking for. Different mess than not realize that other people's crap is Not My Crap, which is dismayingly common, but still a mess.

[dragonyphoenix]

Yeah, you're right. "I'll stop now" is awful. I meant it more in a "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all" sense. This post was a response to my aunt which you can read about in another of my comments on this page.

She certainly did have a legitimate complaint. But ... she said she didn't want to be mean and then said I'm arrogant and that I think I'm better than everyone else. It was that she went there, that's what really upset me. Of course as my other post indicates, she was following a dysfunctional pattern that meant she had to go there. My family's not good at setting boundaries. We expect the other person to know our boundaries and get more and more pissed off that they don't until we explode.