dragonyphoenix

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“I don't want to be mean, but …”

Stop right there. You’re about to be mean. If you want to say whatever’s coming after the word “but” then lose “I don’t want to be mean.” You’re being mean. Own it.

If you really don’t want to be mean, then “I don’t want to be mean so I’ll stop now.”

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From:

baronjanus

I'm impressed with how much you can do the self insight thing. So many people cannot and it seems you're... easy with it, rather than finding it a painful thing. That's so great.

Much of what you say here I empathise with. Setting boundaries with family, for example. Being excited and high-spirited about certain topics which my family Do Not Want in quite an emphatic way. I find myself nodding along much of this.

It's okay to feel "better". It's okay to feel "oh thank the gods I'm not in that place anymore, it was a horrible place". (it's okay, though not helpful, to get dragged into the same old arguments; setting boundaries doesn't mean you can always stick to them, especially around intense family time. Sometimes you can't. "I'm not having arguments with you" is a very difficult boundary to maintain.)(frexample, an interaction I had with my sister wherein I was trying to maintain "if I can't say this nicely I won't", but then exploded because you know what, fuck that shit and I'm not gonna sit in silence over that kind of bull. So that didn't end that well, which is evident by the fact I remember it. But since then I have not had one argument with her about, you know, basic human rights and decent politics, so go me?)

From:

dragonyphoenix

I think psychology is fascinating, especially in relation to what's going on in my life. So. yeah, I can do this all day!

It's okay to feel "better". Thank you for this paragraph. I'm the perfectionist child who thinks "If I'm not being completely saintly, if I have even one mean thought in my head, I must be failing!" *shakes head*

I'm big with the avoidance. That's another family pattern. My aunt and I unfriended each other after I reacted to the Facebook rant against me. Something about me just bugs her. Also, when she's upset about anything or anyone, I'm the person she uses as a scapegoat. I sort of feel like I'm falling into another family pattern (avoidance) with this but we've never been close and I don't need the verbal abuse bombs appearing out of nowhere.

From:

baronjanus

You do not need poison in your life unless there's very, very good reasons to tolerate it. That is all.

(patterns: I have one sister who explodes at everything, and one who avoids so bad I just recently realised she's actually terrified to any kind of emotion, her own or other people's. I'm closer to the explosive one, attitude-wise, because I do prefer things out in the open rather than silent festering, but finding a golden path in between isn't easy)

From:

dragonyphoenix

You do not need poison in your life unless there's very, very good reasons to tolerate it. That is all. Thank you. I feel as if I'm supposed to want my aunt in my life but verbal abuse out of the blue? So not something I need in my life.

I'm more of an avoider, but not for any conscious reason. It's just the pattern I fall most easily into. There's a good reason my closest relative is 5 1/2 hours away!